if only?

the funny (and dangerous) thing about books is that inadvertedly you are affected in small ways (and occasionally big ways) by what you read. a belief can be shattered, an opinion can be changed, a life could be channeled; all simply by what you read. this blog is no exception. heh. so be careful with what you read.

one of the books i've recently read was a book called "Morning Star". its a fantasy novel, by David Gemmel. i liked it. i liked the writing style.

but one of the things he brought up was the two words "if only". and how these 2 words could be so dangerous.

why? because it speaks of regret. now... regret exists for a reason i believe... but at the same time how you respond to it likely more important. so at that, i disagree slightly with the notion he (Gemmel) brought about of how men should never use those words for it stops him in his tracks and stops him moving forward.

thats true really. but i disagree in the sense that those 2 words are sometimes needed for everyone to humble thier self, to recognise where what went wrong.

but at the same time, to be watchful of the fact that it does cripple if used wrongly.

over the years... my character has been changing. slowly, but surely. along this time many times have i said "if only.. i had done this." or "if only.. that happened" during this process, wishing my mind today existed yesterday, that i would have made a difference, or not made a mistake. but every mistake, every incident has made me who i am today. and somewhere along this winding road, the hand of God came upon me to guide me gently.

now, the knowledge tells to find contentment in who i am. the wisdom tells to pick up and move on to something more. but the human nature wants to pull back, to return to its creature comforts, to stay 'safe'.

and thus the statement comes.. if only i had the courage and determination to pick up the pieces and move on.

somehow i'm beginning to feel that the courage and determination will never come, not till i do pick up the pieces and move on. and thus, move past 'if only'.

that, and prayer. : )