Good Friday is good.

Its 5pm, its Friday, Good Friday.

I'm sitting at home with the lights off, the fan on, the window open, and a treadmill of emotions, thoughts, and words running through my head. My MSN list is emptier than usual, most people are out. Some are studying, many playing, having fun.

Me? I'm typing out the once in a blue moon (i've never seen a blue moon.) post, and deciding that, I prob should game when this is done. helps the time pass faster. time that i somehow wish i could be spending somehow else, but well. we'll get to that.

why am i home? ever since the working world and its toils caught up with me, weekends (much less holidays like today) have been oh so precious. but, the reasons.

1) visited grandma after good friday service. she's not well, and has some heart problem that caused her to vomit uncontrollably. i don't understand why, but apparently her heart is beating irregularly, which results in all sorts of problems.

2) my knee is busted. sorta. after a bad overstrain about... almost 2 months ago, i've not been able to run for extended periods of time without it starting to hurt, and me losing control of my momentum. i've crashed one too many times, and its really hard to play a good frisbee game without my one more precious asset. speed.

3) its been a rough week, short as it is. have not been sleeping well, sometimes because i gamed too late (oops.), others i don't know why. have had a week of weird dreams, and going to work like that means reliance on sugar and caffine to make sure i can work. which makes me really tired at the end of the day.

4) i've got a thousand and one thoughts in my head, of which 2 are prominent. of which 1 is utterly private and will not be discussed. its hard to not let it consume me tho. but, the other is:

5) Good Friday is good. and somehow i just want to dwell on this fact.

This might only be understandable by Christians, so bear with me.

i've been struggling. a lot. i cover this up really, really well. even those close to me might never know unless i told them. i've been struggling with sin, with emotions, with work, with destiny, with God. i've asked myself, do i really really really love Him? my waking and sleeping thoughts are always to Him, but... theres no fire. no passion.

i've said before to some, that i believe this is the time for me to persevere, to strive on; but truth be told, i wonder how well i'm doing. sometimes it seems to me that i've already given up, and i'm just living out an empty hollow shell so that my peripheral environment of people and things i love do not change. now and again He tells me (i think), that i must keep going on. but go on where? for what? it all seems so endless now. when Holy Week was coming, i thought, mayhaps i should spend it differently. mayhaps that may make a difference. but i did not. i didn't find it in me.

then... today. performed an item i kept fumbling up, and made it! left me grinning uncontrollably. heard the message "Good Friday IS GOOD". felt awkward for a while for a stupid reason. remembered what i 'saw' when i imaged the crucifixtion in my mind.

Jesus died to save me. everything that has happened today has brought up a wealth of emotions, emotions that remind me that i am alive, and greater still, living; not just merely existing. problems will come and problems will go, things will happen, or things may not.

But just as Jesus, so fully man, lived out 33 years of life; and i daresay he enjoyed it; so too can i live a life like His. Because He died on the cross to set me, to set us, to set all man, free.

Why do i say He enjoyed it? because when Jesus lived on earth, He lived it out for God. And thats when you can truely live, truely enjoy life. And He's open it up to us. to me.

And that's why Good Friday is so good. Its the passport beyond the country of mere existance to the land of living the life eternal.

i've bought a one way ticket. i hope you will too.