A Queer Sense of Awkwardness

This is written (mostly) on the move.

The following situation just happened to me. After getting ready my stuff and all that and leaving for a church meeting, I entered by HDB block’s lift. Down the corridor I saw a lady I knew obviously heading for the lift, so I naturally went in first and held the lift patiently for her.

Now a lil about this lady. My family has lived in this block ever since it was built, that’s around 24-28 years. According to my mom, that lady and her husband also moved in around the same period of time. So technically she’s been my neighbor all my life. Anyway, we barely know each other since our families are not close and I barely see her anyhow. I have however, worked for her husband before back when I was like… sixteen.

So she reaches the lift, thanks me, and soon the lift doors are closed. Now occurs the ever so polite conversation that we make with people we don’t really want to talk to, but have enough respect for and/or just want to be polite enough to be a friendly neighbor. Or at least, attempt to be one. Soon enough the lift reaches the ground floor and yes, its over, we say our good-byes, have a nice days, and carry on with our own lives.

Unexpectedly as it turned out to be, we move off in the exact same direction. By unspoken and unacknowledged agreement, one of us (her in this case), moves off at a faster pace, while I slowly padded along behind. Perhaps, I thought, she would be going somewhere I wasn’t. Wrong. I easily caught up with her (albeit unintentionally) at the center of a road crossing. (Those kind under the MRT tracks, with roads on either sides).

Since its really hard to say “Hi” again after saying “Bye”, I stood inconspicuously further behind, till we could cross. Again I theorized that she may just be moving towards the neighborhood market, so our paths would soon diverge. Well, as it goes we ended up at the same bus stop.

Practically determined not to let her see me (or perhaps the feeling was mutual?), I strategically placed myself behind the thankfully large bus-stop-advertisement-thing, blocking both our line-of-sights from each other. Heck, just a lil more, and soon both of us would be on separate buses headed to wherever we were headed.

So 166 rolled in, and she flagged it down. For those who don’t know, 166 is the only bus that takes me to my church and it takes forever and a day for the next one to come.

So she went up first, and in an incredible display of stealth and cunning I crept up the bus just slightly behind her, (we were the only people boarding) quietly (if not for the beep of the darn EZ Link card) and evading her line of sight at all times. Thankfully of course, she did not turn to look back. As she headed towards the back of the bus, I leapt forward in a silent burst of speed and claimed the nearest seat facing the front, sat myself, and looked as inconspicuous as possible. I doubt she noticed me, but who’s to say? And so I took out my notebook and penciled this entry.

Ludicrous is it not? But as I wrote out this comical sequence of events I realized that perhaps that is my natural reaction to people I am not familiar with. Cordial at best, utterly evasive and apathetic at worst. Granted that she was a much older person (like my mom’s age), and someone I would most likely not speak to perhaps in even months to come (that’s how seldom we saw each other), I wondered if that’s the kind of reaction I was supposed to have.

I am a Christ-loving, God-fearing man who always talks about loving your neighbor, loving each other, showing Christ-like qualities etc… And to a certain extent, I do live them out. But as it clearly can be seen in my actions above, that I’m not quite as cut out as who I believe myself to be. I could have just as easily caught up with her early on and asked where she was going in a companionable sort of way, and perhaps even be company on the bus ride (I didn’t see where she dropped though). It would definitely be uncomfortable at first, but as my studies have shown (yes its all in Amias’ Research on Human Behavior Vol. 1 – Collector’s edition… yeah right! :D ) most people (at least Singaporeans) are more afraid of starting a conversation with someone, rather than responding to one. In fact, many people welcome friendly company, as long as the interest shown is genuine and not overbearing. (note: does not really apply to random strangers on the street. That’s just freaky. Works in situations like 1st day of school, social gatherings, churches, or with people you know but don’t really know.)

Just will end off with this… asides from the lesson I personally learnt, perhaps it’s a good time for you yourself to look deep into your life and see where you might just be causing hurt of some kind, unknowingly to others. Life isn’t all about yourself; for the warmest smile you’ll ever see, will never be the one staring back at you in the mirror. Learn to give a lil more of yourself and realize that the greatest things in life on this earth cannot be earned.

As for myself, I believe that my Lord God will change me into the person He wants me to be… so long as I am willing to try to change. Its not going to be easy, but I would like to encourage all you believers out there to never ever lose hope in yourself and in God, for He is infinitely able to do things beyond mortal ken, and He will never fail you as long as you place your trust in Him.