Onwards.

I actually didn't intend to write this. but even now, as I sit in my comfortable, privately owned, fairly large room, I find myself feeling a sense... a need, to express some of this out, as if just to organize my thoughts and consider who I am.

About 7 days ago, a great man passed away. The last 7 days have been about mourning and grieving and remembering. Many of my friends have written long, heartfelt personal eulogies to him; a man they did not know personally, but recognized innately as someone who is responsible for letting live in a blessed state now. 

I wonder if those words could have been said sooner? I suppose the outpouring is really a way of coping with their own feelings (just as this post is), a way to mark a great person's passing, a way to express what they have felt all along. Certainly the accolades would have been pleasing to the ear were he still alive, but perhaps it were for the best that the praise was kept till his passing. 

I digress. Let others say what they want, good or evil, for that is their words.

Mine are these. I have always respected him. I came to understand from a young age, so young that my maturity in this area then surprises me now, that his form of governance was the right way forward for Singapore. Despite my upbringing and background, I fully support the idea that one must be merciless when pursuing the greater good. Sometimes I catch myself leading that very way, and it took many years of mellowing out (and perhaps caring less), to be more... people orientated. 

Despite this, I never really agreed with some of his policies. Elitism, for example. The direction of the school system, so adept at creating drones, for another. I respected him, but I did not love him. Revere him. He was to me, a great man, one that had such immediate and tangible impact on my life and the world around me, but he never reached beyond that. 

And yet, when the passing came, there was a shadow that fell. Perhaps I was swayed by the general sentiment. Perhaps I felt more than I thought I did. Regardless, I knew two things - one, I had to pay my respects. Two, I did not want to... display it. 

Honestly, when I reached the spot, I did not know what my reaction would be. The bow came naturally. As did the pause. I felt right after that. 

Now, I look forward. Onward. If anything, I have learnt that in some ways, I emulate him. Or rather, if I may be so bold, I feel a kinship with his spirit. The scorning of wealth and pleasure and power and acclaim, each merely pawns in the great game to achieve the goal of which we felt the call to. When the true desire is present, all these other things fade.

Which, perhaps, is why I always only prayed for one thing for him - that he may know Jesus Christ as Saviour. That was my tribute a long time ago, for a long time since. It pained me to know that such a man of drive did not get to know the peace that gives rest from the passion. When his wife passed on, I was glad to know that she had come to know Him. And gladder still when I read that he found some peace in words he did not yet understand. My hope remains is that the words became real before his passing. 

And so now, I consider my life and how I can truly pay tribute. My goal and my drive do not stem from him, for that belongs, heart and soul, to God. But I found, perhaps, encouragement, and inspiration, to stay the course, particularly to stay where I am. I have always known that my call was here, but now I am revived to keep the focus. Unlike him, I lack drive and have gone quiet for far too long.

Perhaps its time to awake again. 

In his words: The world is watching. 

Live out what you were made to do. 

Onwards.