where do i go?

A song from the musical "Evita" starts like this:

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all
You believed in me, I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do? For our dream to survive?
How do we keep, all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Swap all the 'we's for 'I's, and its echoes a little of what I feel right now. In a few ways.

In the shallowest end of this pool, is the planning and decisions around my upcoming trip to Australia. A long time ago, this excited me. Now, due to a strange lethargy and a myriad of questions, I find myself wanting.

Paradoxically, I really want to go, but my utter lack of excitement is impeding the very practical needs of planning and preparing for this. Air tickets, living arrangements, itineraries, sights, budgets, decisions... the amount of things to settle now is just staggering. Each item stacks upon another, and part of me wonders if I made all those plans so long ago, just to prove something to myself.

Perhaps, just to know that I could survive a greater part of 3 weeks spent alone. Johnny, Chrissy, Rachel, Joel, Lynette, Wan Jun, Clarice, Yong Xiang, Benedict, Lionel... the main reasons for my trip, and yet I realize too that in all honesty, time spent with them will be minimal. They've got lives to lead, school to go to, work to be done. Much time otherwise would be spent alone, wandering a foreign land.

I've been asked what kind of holidaying do I like, and I realize that I don't know. My inclinations are towards sight seeing, scenery, looking at queer oddities... but in truth, I don't know. I loved my prior solo adventures, but somehow, right now... I don't feel excited at all. Where did all that passion go? Have I changed so much that I don't want to be alone anymore?

Which leads me to the deeper end of my conundrum. Right now, I lead a happy, conformative life, blessed with friends, much provision, and perhaps secretly more importantly, a system of life. I'm being led, being fed, moving from one thing to another, making decision after decision, and realizing that more often than not I'm trying not to stray out of this zone.

Let me explain.

I'm leading worship for the 1115 service this Sunday, as Charmaine is sick. This is my first time leading on such a stage; before this I have only led for Youth Service in the MPH. I'm facilitating Gig, my Thursday CG, while helping to maintain and encourage my Sunday CG. Both are showing signs of growth, which is good. I'm an important part of GMC's clockwork, and I'm slowly clearing up the administrative backlog in church... thats work for me btw. I've made new friends, spoken to many new people, continuing to work out relationships, been improving as a member of my own family, shared secrets, kept secrets, shouldered pain, shared pain...

It all sounds good.

And then I look at life from years away and I realize I am no where near what I thought I heard from God four whole years ago. What am I doing with my life? Where has that passion gone? I know God has brought me to where I am, but to be honest? Right now I'm afraid to ask "What's next?" because I'm so so so scared of what He will say. I'm where I am for a reason, but I need to move on, yet for the first time in my life I feel settled and a part of me doesn't want to move, but yet another part of me stares into the sky and wonders if I am just going to let my life fade into shadows right before my eyes.

I need to plan for Australia.
I need to plan for 2010.

I need to plan for my life.

The vastness of it all... Only God can understand. And still I come to Him each morning and talk about everything else in the world, everything else current and problem-some, every other thing... but what He wants next for me.