just some thinking

alright, there's not much focus for this post, simply because i decided to blog something before i sleep... and i can't sleep coz i ate late, and i'm still feeling too full.

goodness i don't like growing old... body is slower... sleep is needed... every small lil thing done wrong has big repercussions... bleh. gone are the days of stuffing myself silly and going to sleep and feeling fine the next morning.

anyway... it also brings about the thought of marriage. before puberty kicked in, i was in a state of life where i didn't want to get married. stay single all my life. now, 12 years down the road... goodness how things have changed. to say the least. heh.

i've got friends getting married, one after another, in the coming year. and i predict some close ones getting married in the next. not too long later, they'll have kids, like some of my childhood friends already have. kids. dangit. and i'm not even close to falling in love yet. its enough to make one depressed. heh.

then there's concentration and mental health... now, my ability to do my best is seriously hampered if i lack sleep. and its not for not trying... everything just slows down, words are hard to think of, its like my brain is asleep. and i can't get it to wake up. no wonder there are so many coffee addicts out there... the sudden realization that over the years your body has gradually lost the youthful momentum of those good ol teenage years. gah.

and... with age comes responsibility, and conscience (if you mature accordingly, of course). i look back and realise how much i've grown, and yet how much too i've lost along the way... every few years the cycle changes a lil, the routine bends a lil left or right. but then the reality of the responsibility of your life and of those you care for hits you... and... golly. what a dampener, yet a drive, that puts on you.

i guess i can see why many adults are so insular, keeping to the comfort circles, keeping to the routine and norm, looking past the excitement that once drove them and choosing the quiet tranquil of familiarity. coz stepping out in any direction, drags everything else with it, and shakes every, and i mean EVERY part of thier life.

People don't like that. They will rather pretend it doesn't matter and stay where they are.... coz its simpler that way. And every moment as such, is a good moment.

note though... that they may know it could be better... but they would be content with what good they have.

and i guess thats where the drive and vitality of youth, the ability to take a hit, roll with it, and come back punching; the acceptance of things lost, the pain that comes with it, and the desire for things greater and higher; the things that make the 'heroes' of our age and generation... thats where the youth is needed.

somehow the words of a lovely song come to mind...

'i see a generation,
rising up to take thier place;
with selfless faith,
selfless faith...

i see a near revival,
stirring as we pray and seek
we're on our knees,
we're on our knees...

Hosanna..'


i'm beginning to see the other side of the coin now...
but even as i see it, and i feel it, i know i cannot, i must not, i will not give in!

coz the way its been, i'm running the edge of a knife, and cannot stop till i reach the end.

so i pray.