tenacity

today, has been a strenuous day.

in more ways than one.


first up in the day was a mistake i had made coming back to haunt me; basically i missed a booking for .79, and there ended up being 2 bookings for the same place. i ended up handling quite a bit of negotiation... and learning that my prior training at evohub has fully guided me to be able to handle 'chong hei' pple...

then was the numerous calls i had to make to various pple to handle this booking, or that arrangement, or this meeting...

lunch i had alone, at the indian coffeeshop, coz i was too lazy and tired to walk far. that turned out to be a much needed rest... for the worst was coming.

after lunch, more arrangements, thought of and gave work to my intern Nicole, juggled various admin duties, read up and learnt more stuff as far as i could...

then it happened. due to a miscommunication over 5 months old, i inadvertedly offended someone.. and was almost this close to being offended myself. this close. and its true... the closer that person is to you, the harsher the offence, the damage feels.

thank God 9 weeks of talking and thinking about "offence" (John Bevere's 'the Bait of Satan' curriculum), as well as probably that needed divine intervention, adverted anything...

but it still stung. so after that tiring late afternoon of work, i went to .79 to finish up my preparation in the quietness of Sprawl.79. its funny how lying down, closing my eyes, and just reaching out to God while letting the thoughts run, helps me to think. So much so that despite having to face a thorn in my life soon after, i was still able 'stablise' myself for the meeting.

and so the important meeting occured, not without its usual pressures and rising insecurities. made a few fierce statements. haha. theres this running dialog in my head that i've (unwisely) prepared for someone who wants to say that i'm doing all this for popularity or power... its that feeling that you really wish someone would offend you that way just so you can scream your truths down his/her face... haha. so wrong. aiyoeh.

but anyway.

finished the meeting... think we accomplished much. thats good, thank God. went back, despite sharing the last bit with a dear brother in Christ whose fire and passion really ignites something in me, i really felt... heavy. restrained. in a sense.

then it happened... was walking down the corridor to my home, when, in the silence, in the solitude, in the solemn moment, i felt compelled to stop. i looked out at the expense beyond the concrete barrier.

and for the first time in over 10 years, i heard the contemplation of suicide in my head.

i used to think of it often. but this, in a strange and dark moment, was the first since the time i really gave myself over to Christ.

but yet at the same time, the clarion call of a soul redeemed, an inner man awake, cried out: "Lord i need you. Lord, do not let me go. Lord, uphold me. Lord, in your arms enfold."

as i stood there looking out at the silent sleeping solitude of the world of night, i thanked God that He was there. I needed to spend more time with Him. I needed to change my bad sinful habits. I needed to learn and grow.

But He was there.

He was there with me.



tenacity is not a power of will, nor a stubborness of mind, nor the strength of body.

it is the faith of spirit. Clinging to Jesus.

and it does not grow from song, but suffering.