Con-flux.

So. I'm using this site to type. Best browser to use is IE surprisingly... no annoying white bars around when all you really want is darkness and yourself.

Side... hi you. I'm just mentioning this coz i don't think i would ever say the below to you. But I'm kinda glad you know. anyway.

So... I actually had an idea for what to blog next. I probably will still blog it... a nicely written piece on a less attractive topic. And then today came around, with all of nothing that happened.. and it made me think. Think hard. I wonder.

And so, thoughts aflame with ideas that would tear apart lives, i sought to take a shower, as always, in the dark. Dark and cold... such calm, echoed by the peace of night.

And I thought long, and I thought hard. What if? What if, i were callous enough, to raise to the knowledge of certain many individuals, the true, unrestrained thoughts, that I have? Thoughts based off knowledge that i have attained, attained through so many ways, ways not always white and clean. Knowledge so good, and so bad; each a letter of tribute to either to God, or the world.

I wondered. I imagined. I fantasized. It can be quite enticing at times. To loose such mayhem on this the world i know of. I wondered what would happen. I imagined the possible consequences. I fantasized of my reaction as I acted, so proud, so mad, so.. free.

Perhaps I do not understand grace. Or perhaps I do not understand justice. Or perhaps I just do not understand God. Its no fun watching the world stand on its precipice and slowly edge its way to doom. Slow, slow poison.

A cancer.

You know, all cancers start benign. Non-threatening. Its just there, its not gonna hurt you. Unfortunately, they tend to turn malignant one day. Oh what a word... malignant. A simple, sickening, subtle, word, that carries its weight with every syllable. Malignant.

To go bad. To become evil. To bring... death. Suffering. Pain. Sorrow. Anguish. Grief. Anger. Hatred. Despair.

I wondered... if this cancer of thought within me would one day... turn. And bring the forceful wrath of a solemn man down on an unsuspecting body of people... who trust him.

A malignant stain, to perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, bring out the other cancers to the light. HA. To the light.. if that is possible. I still wonder. Some would call it "The pot calling the kettle black"; indeed! And yet then at least the kettle would be known as it is... black. Cancerous. Slow slow poison. Everyone would know... what is black and what is white.

I wonder. And I sigh.

My daylight dreams never come true. Perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps?

And so i deal with this, time and again... an image, a sight, a word; small triggers that open the floodgates of emotions that were thought to be dried out and gone forever. I know God understands... but i do not know what He wants me to do next... asides wait. Wait. Wait. For vengeance is His and it will not be slow in coming; rather it is timely and yet far beyond the ken of mortal men, beyond my petty self-righteous mind to understand.

For now, the battle to close these gates again, is mine.